How Much Should I Follow My Sister Around to Protect Her and Supervise Her?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My sister is unmarried. She doesn’t wear a hijab, and she rarely prays. She likes to go out to cafes and other places by herself, and she has no problem getting friendly with men. Sometimes, she lets them touch her in a friendly manner (shoulders, hair, etc.) I always try to go out with her to protect her, but she can get very violent in response because “she’s not a child” and “doesn’t need protection”. It’s becoming very hard for me to constantly keep track of her and maintain good relations. My father is working in another city and I’m the only man in the house. I don’t know what we will do if she wants to move out alone. Will it be permissible for me to get married and not follow her?
Answer
Thank you for your question. You should stop following her around, and you should get married, as it is your father’s duty to watch over her, not yours.
Compulsion
You can’t force someone to be religious or pray. Encouraging someone to follow guidance usually happens through instilling the love of Allah (Most High) and His Messenger. It sounds like she is not ready for this change, and I worry that you chasing her down is going to turn her off from religion. If she gets violent, and relationships are worsening, you should give it a rest and consign the matter to your Lord. Treat her only with gentleness, for the most blessings lie there: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah is gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja]
Duty
It is your father’s duty to set boundaries at home, even if he is not there, and you and your mother should enforce them. He should give her a curfew, and she should inform the family exactly where she is going and whom she is going with. If he permits her to do something that is not haram, then you should relax and let her go. You won’t be able to micromanage, so please don’t try. Rather, focus on yourself, get married, and perhaps through the good companionship of your wife, she will start to learn and change. If you can show her a balanced, religious, well-settled life as a role model, she will start to desire the same, in sha Allah and might settle down herself.
Turn to Allah
Your Lord is the best one to help you through this, and your patience is more important than ever. Allah (Most High) has told us in the Quran, “If Allah helps you, there is none to overcome you. And if He abandons you, then, who is there to help you after that? In Allah, the believers should place their trust.” [Quran, 3:160]
I encourage you to be regular with your five prayers, make dhikr, read the Quran daily, and do positive and beneficial activities with your sister to bond with her. Make dua for ease and complain to Allah, along with your gratitude and tawba. He loves to hear His servants call on Him.
Please see these links as well and recite the duas within:
- How Do I Encourage Someone toward Religious Practice without Seeming Pushy?
- How Can I Pray for My Sister’s Guidance?
- How Can I Advise My Non-Practicing Sibling?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
