10: Marriage and Severed Ties of Kinship- Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
In this episode, Ustadha Raidah answers a question from a man whose mother, who lives very far away and suffers emotional problems, cut him off, after she was unable to meet the girl he was considering for marriage. Things didn't work out with her, but his mother still does not answer his calls or messages, and he is wondering whether he needs to seek her approval before marrying. Ustadha Raidah explains that below angry reactions are deep feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, and other negative emotions, and the mother's reactions are likely a result of these. She advises the questioner to give his mother a reasonable amount of time before he pursues marriage, as he still has a strong duty to his mother. Additionally, were he to get married, he would be bringing his wife into a toxic environment. She advises him to fly out to where the mother is living, and seek to resolve the situation as best as he possibly can. Check out all of the SeekersGuidance podcasts by visiting https://seekersguidance.org/podcasts/
09- Divorce Due to Lack of Household Support- Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
In this episode, Ustadha Raidah addresses an all-too-common problem; a wife whose husband does not help with the household chores or taking care of the children, leaving her exhausted and hopeless, to the point that she is considering divorce. Ustadha Raidah points out the importance of both parents being present in their children's lives. Not only does it teach them what good relationships look like, but also the parents are able to get support from each other through the ups and downs of life. Since it's difficult to change her husband's mindset, she encourages the mother to practice self-care, and consider finding a Muslim life coach, who may be able to help her with communication and coping skills. She emphasizes that taking time out to recharge is important, especially when not getting support from others. Finally, she encourages the mother to pray the Prayer of Guidance, and look for signs of how to proceed in the marriage. Check out all of the SeekersGuidance podcasts by visiting https://seekersguidance.org/podcasts/
08-Being a Daughter, a Woman, and Living This Life- Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
In this episode, Ustadha Raidah tackles a common problem among Muslim youth; not having a sense of direction in life, and managing parents' expectations. One of three sisters, the questioner feels like she has lived her life for her parents, and her father is still dissatisfied with everything she does. She is the only one still living in the family home, and the responsibility of caring for her aging parents falls solely on her. This stagnant environment makes her disheartened, socially isolated, and confused. Ustadha Raidah encourages her to firstly not compare herself with other women who lead different lives, and not to allow herself to fall into negative thought patterns. She also explains the reasons behind poor relationship choices predominant among young Muslims, who did not have a deep connection with their parents and suggests solutions for the young woman and her way forward. Check out all of the SeekersGuidance podcasts by visiting https://seekersguidance.org/podcasts/
07 Told by Parents to Cut Ties with Brother – Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
In this episode, Ustadha Raidah tackles another complex family problem, as she is asked whether a person should choose between their parents or keeping ties with their brother. The questioner is a young woman whose brother fell in love with a woman four years ago, who is extremely disrespectful to his family. They are determined to get married, but the parents are very hurt by what has happened, will not come to the wedding, and want their daughter to have no contact with him. The woman also has two children from a previous relationship. Ustadha Raidah encourages us to look deeper into this situation and prioritize the short-term for the long-term. Cutting off family ties is not just wrong, but it can cut off any opportunity for reconciliation or forgiveness. In addition, when innocent children are involved, they can be easily affected by the adults' actions, which adds more responsibility to all parties. A person can see a situation in two ways; with a problem mindset, which focuses on the problem, or a growth mindset, which asks what can be done to benefit from the situation. Check out all of the SeekersGuidance podcasts by visiting https://seekersguidance.org/podcasts/
06-Siblings and Verbal Abuse- Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
In this episode, Ustadha Raidah covers a very sensitive and frighteningly common topic: verbal abuse by authority figures. A person is asking for her advice after an elder sibling frequently verbally abuses them, under the pretense that it is allowed because Islam requires a person to respect their elders. Ustadha Raidah clarifies that Islam does not allow anybody, no matter who they are, to act abusively towards anybody. She encourages the questioner to seek out a counselor or therapist, and work towards setting boundaries. Exploring the dynamics of a toxic relationship, she explains that most abuse is learned behavior that usually stems from a difficult family environment, and clarifies the difference between unconditional love and unconditionally accepting bad behavior. She finishes b speaking about compassion through an Islamic lens. Check out all of the SeekersGuidance podcasts by visiting https://seekersguidance.org/podcasts/
05: Must I marry my cousin?- Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
In this episode, Ustadha Raidah answers a question from a man who is afraid that his cousin will suffer if he does not marry her, as there is no other suitable match for her. In addition, he is interested in marrying another woman and feels they are a good match for each other. Ustadha Raidah picks apart the situation and says it's natural for a person to be attracted to someone new or different. What makes a couple a good match for each other? Is it family values, hobbies, life interests, or goals? She makes it clear that, although one should not immediately rule out someone such a cousin, one should not marry someone out of pity, or out of obligation to make their lives better somehow. Only Allah can destine the good for somebody. She also observes the dynamics of traditional families that strongly push cousin marriages. These matches may be suitable, or they may not. If a person from that type of family wishes to marry someone out of their families, they should be aware that their spouse may face a lot of difficulty and criticism from the family, and should ensure that they're prepared for it. She also recommends the following resource: The Ruling of First Cousin Marriages: A Balanced Perspective. Check out all of the SeekersGuidance podcasts by visiting https://seekersguidance.org/podcasts/
04-I hate my future wife’s father- Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
In this episode, Ustadha Raidah gives guidance to a man who is getting married, but whose future father-in-law is judgemental and rude, and might be the cause of clashes between the couple. Each person will deal with difficult people in their lives, she explains, and we have the agency to allow these experience to let us grow, or to hurt us. She encourages the young man to first establish healthy boundaries with his wife, which will then enable him to view his father-in-law with empathy. He may have an undisguised mental illness, or may simply be feeling vulnerable as he ages and is no longer able to do what he once did. She shares her own experience, coming from a nuclear family structure in Australia to a traditional, family-oriented environment in Malaysia, and how much it taught her about the aging population Check out all of the SeekersGuidance podcasts by visiting https://seekersguidance.org/podcasts/
03- Mother and husband not on good terms- Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
In this episode, Ustadha Raidah deals with a heartbreaking situation where a mother is trying to blackmail her daughter to divorce her husband and is threatening to confiscate her passport. Ustadha Raidah delves into the mental reasons behind abuse: from anxiety to control tendencies to narcissistic personalities. These problems usually do not happen overnight and are indicative of the environment which the person had grown up in. In extreme cases such as these, safety is key, as well as having a plan to leave a dangerous environment, and finding trustworthy people to help. She also urges people who have left abusive situations to keep themselves safe and begin setting healthy boundaries with the people who are abusing them, in order to avoid a repeat of old patterns. For the same reason, she stresses that people who have left such situations and choose to come to visit, should not do so alone, but should come with a spouse or other trusted figure. For people who are dealing with long-term abuse, and maybe feeling unwanted, she reassures them that they are deserving of love, and recommends professional help. In addition, apps such as Calm and Headspace can help feelings of anxiety, as well as Chaplain Ibrahim J. Long’s Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing. Check out all of the SeekersGuidance podcasts by visiting https://seekersguidance.org/podcasts/
02- Telling Future Wife About Pornography Addiction-Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Ustadha Raidah deals with a question from a man who is struggling with an addiction to pornography, trying to overcome it despite several relapses and is wondering how much he needs to disclose to a future wife. She speaks about the process of finding a spouse, and how much one needs to tell them whether it be an addiction, an illness, or a past trauma. She also speaks about what makes a happy and strong relationship; the commitment to stand by each other despite challenges, rather than to run away at every obstacle. Abuse. Financial confusion. Addiction. Toxic relationships. Not to mention family and marriage problems. Our communities are filled with these issues and lack a compassionate solution grounded in the wisdom of the Islamic tradition. Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil, a counselor, chaplain, and author, answers your questions every week helping you get to the bottom of things with wisdom and compassion. Check out all of the SeekersGuidance podcasts by visiting https://seekersguidance.org/podcasts/
01 -Skin Color Modification-Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
In her first podcast, Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil counsels a woman, who is concerned about disobeying her parents. Although she is happy with her complexion, they are pressuring her to use skin-lightening creams, as they are worried that nobody will marry her. Ustadha Raidah reminds us that everything is in the hands of Allah, and He created us the way He willed. Reflecting on her experiences as a mother of two young girls, she unpacks the questioner's situation with empathy, exploring the post-colonial wounds of the Ummah, which have affected many parents. She gives insightful advice as to how to deal with these issues. Abuse. Financial confusion. Addiction. Toxic relationships. Not to mention family and marriage problems. Our communities are filled with these issues and lack a compassionate solution grounded in the wisdom of the Islamic tradition. Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil, a counselor, chaplain, and author, answers your questions every week helping you get to the bottom of things with wisdom and compassion. Check out all of the SeekersGuidance podcasts by visiting https://seekersguidance.org/podcasts/
